It can be tempting to get bogged down in the bitterness of the divorce, constantly complaining about what your ex might have said or done in the past.  This focus on the past can also be comforting. It’s familiar, even if it isn’t always pleasant. You understand it and know how to cope with it.  By contrast, the future can feel overwhelming. What will you do once your relationship is over? Who will you be, if you are no longer one half of a couple? What will your life look like in six months, or twelve months, or two years?  If you are coming out of a long-term relationship where you followed the same patterns and routines for years, looking out into the void can be worrying, if not terrifying. No wonder so many of us stay fixated on the past!

Unfortunately, focusing on the past doesn’t help anyone. It drags out any hostility between you and your ex and puts your children in the difficult position of having to act as go-betweens, or even having to choose sides.  It also prevents you from creating a new life, and from experiencing all the new and exciting opportunities that life might hold.

Having some clear goals and direction for your future can help you manage any fear, anxiety or panic that arises when you consider the unknown. Those racing thoughts and irrational assumptions – the doom-and-gloom or all-or-nothing thinking that comes with anxiety – are often exaggerated and come from the primitive part of the brain that is focused on immediate survival. By contrast, realistic goal setting and planning is a rational process. It engages the neocortex, the part of the brain that is calm and logical, and this can help calm those whirling thoughts.

Try to think of the future with excitement and possibility – what would you love to create in your life? Would you like to start a new career? Would you like to travel? Would you love to find a new relationship in the future? Are there new ways you’d like to support your children? What sort of lifestyle do you want? Write down everything you would love for your future –in the next six months, as well as in five years.  Then ask yourself, is your behaviour in alignment with those goals?

If you still think a lot about your ex – you look at your wedding photos, you are curious about whether your ex is dating, or you get jealous when you see them talking to a potential partner – this is a sign that you are still holding on.

Letting go can be very hard to do.

If you are the one struggling to move forward, focus on your own future rather than your ex’s life. Look at ways you can start working towards the goals you have set yourself. If you want to be healthier, perhaps you can join a gym or get a personal trainer, or even just commit to walking around the block every evening. If you want to start a new career, start applying for jobs or looking at qualifications. If you want to take up a new hobby, get started.

In these moments of change, it’s vital to remember that healing is a personal journey. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and what works for one person may not work for another. Some find peace in redecorating their space, while others might find peace in new routines, hobbies, or social circles.

Remember, the end of a relationship is not the end of your story. The journey ahead may be uncertain, but it is also filled with potential for happiness, fulfillment, and a renewed sense of self.

This excerpt is from ‘Breaking Up Without Breaking Down’ – Dr Tina Sinclair, Tricia Peters and Marguerite Picard which can be purchased via Amazon – https://www.amazon.com.au/Breaking-Up-Without-Down-Preserving/dp/0992317665

Please contact MELCA – https://melca.com.au/ for more information and to book a free 15-minute information session.